Tagged: Gender bender

Sriram has tagged me. The tag asks me to list "my sins against gender stereotypes". This is exciting because I never considered myself a ‘girl’. Here I go:
1. I own only two dresses – one was $5 from farmers and the other was a gift. I can’t remember the last time I went shopping for clothes or shoes or anything... Shopping puts me off! I’ve been postponing my dressmart shopping day for more than a year now... I would rather go on adventure tours!!!
2. I was so obsessed about cleanliness that I couldn’t study or do anything until I see everything in its place. This is what a typical girl more or less usually does...but now - I’ve become so messy after my bro left to India. I’ve inherited his clutter and shambles. There isn’t a day when amma doesn’t scold me about it
3. When I eat, I eat wholeheartedly – who cares about the million calories in the cream cheese cake or khaju katli :P I am the rubbish bin of our kitchen...Jai ho to the dangers of being able to eat anything without being fussed!
4. Gossip is a big no no for me. I always half hear it and never pass it on. I like talking about something besides other people’s lives and relationships. I believe its soo hard to socialise with other girls sometimes for that very reason!! Grrr.. ;)
5. I have never put on makeup willingly – the only time I did eye makeup was for a production when I was uncle max in Sound of music
6. Most of the time, I don’t get excited about wearing dresses, looking pretty, making an effort, going out into town and socialising. Things that get me excited are badminton, cicket, singing, going up mountains, snow, jumping around with my friend and her danceable music, eating and for those who know me – sleeping in lecs...
7. From the very start, I had more guy friends than girl friends. I loved climbing trees, playing street cricket with my bro's friends, going to play pool, riding motor bikes, and oh....I used to wear my bro's jeans when he grew out of them. lol. I don't think I know any girl who wore guy's jeans...now that I think of it, they were so uncomfortable. hehe

Thanks Sri, it was enlivening to remind myself of the guy in me. :)

Two sides of a coin - putting things in perspective

When someone tells you a story, complains to you about an experience they had with a person, shares their opinion on something, your mind tends to judge the person/thing in question. You agree or disagree. Except, it always pays to step back and see the other side of the story or at least lend an ear but don't form a strong opinion against or pro-anything/anyone unless you've experienced something yourself.

Today I picked up a dollar coin and flipped it around. Even if it's not the dollar coin I earned, I decided to examine both sides of it :)

Back with two minds

In the past few months, I have been dormant from the whole world, i.e my parents, friends, class mates, family, etc.. oh and even my blog! ;) I have gone away to various places including Hamilton, Waipu and Queenstown as part of the medical training. I have had a break from my everyday world, but it feels good to be back, for the weekend.

I've sneaked a peek into many lives as they relate to their mental and physical well-being. It becomes glaringly evident how everyone reacts differently to a given situation and how varied the responses are, to being unwell. Being in the real world as opposed to being with simulated/actor patients rocks! There is a general feeling of being inept and bungling at times, but I think that incompetence can be overridden through experience over time. Or will it?

Queen's birthday weekend - was a treat to the ears! Indian classical music concerts - Saturday was the violin duo by Kanyakumari and her shishya Embar Kannan danced with their fingers on the violin and left a divine vibration in my ears :)
Many melodious treats followed this concert. Hindustani and carnatic music alike. Music is truly divine!

On a completely different note,something that hasn't changed is extreme emotions at random times - why hasn't it changed? It's not like knowledge is lacking. What use is any knowledge if we still suffer from not being able to practice it accordingly? Every action or thought of mine that I pursue can be explained, should be changed according to me, but in the end...all I do is repeat mistakes and punish myself through a strange channel of thoughts...I know this is a vague narration of what is in my mind, please don't go nuts over trying to understand this pearl of my life. It's not important really! ;)

It's 3:10am and when someone as over-sleepy as me can't get to sleep, there's obviously something wrong within the depths of the jelly inside my skull...

Help plz! haha. ZZzzzzz

Birthday wishes

Some things are left undone,
Some words are left unsaid,
Some feelings are left unexpressed,
But someone as nice as you,
could never be left unwished :)

It was very nice for 'someone' to write the above words and it certainly made me work my cheek muscles. In reply, I say:

Someone as nice as you also could also never be left unwished...so "same to you". I want to wish you a good day everyday. It's what we make of the day that counts...happiness can never be a continuous long lasting state of mind. Take life as it comes, enjoy the elated times, suffer the sad times. Once acquired, never lose the skill to feel every emotion but at the same time strive to bend ur beautiful mind towards neutrality :)

Word of the day from me: neutral

Being critical? or maybe nonsensical?

I am going to be a little critical in the following regard. Why is that people say "you may lose me forever" or "You can have me forever". Don't they realise it's not them who can decide whether or not someone stays in your heart/mind forever? Is it really in our hands (or minds) to decide whether someone who has touched your heart to be erased from it? Whether it be a friend or foe, someone who has touched our hearts will stay - if you are anything like me. As long as we don't let the mental or perceived cardiac connections adversely affect our functioning of life, it's alright to let things be the way they are. I'm probably just missing the point or not even making sense! Oh well. I tried to put the thoughts out in a coherent manner, but can't do a better job in this sleep-deprived state. I will choose to believe what I want to and everyone else can do the same. It's a personal thing.

Amma - I don't know what to do!

Mother's love cannot be transcended by anyone else. I agree. And that's probably why I cannot handle it if someone says anything against my mother, even if she is wrong. Stupid, but that's the way I feel. Daughter's authority says "I am allowed to shout at her, disapprove of her actions and her ways of doing things, not anyone else, even my own father." As I write now, she shouts at me...but I know that she is feeling helpless; always wants things to be her way and refuses to accept the reality.

I cry...I'm helpless too. I say things impulsively, without thinking it through. I tell her she is not blessed by God and that's why she got us...She screams at me for saying that too! I understand her vulnerabilities, her inabilities and her powerlessness over the whole situation presently. But what can I do? As I said...I'm helpless too.

What is the solution? I don't know. Time is probably the healer. I intend to manage my time better so that I would be an asset, rather than someone who enrages her mother and later cries.

She is beautiful and kind-hearted, but the only problem with her - as with all orthodox dominating wives - is that she wants everything her way! The reality screams at her and doesn't abide by her rules and so she cries feebly. When I see her cry, I can't handle it. The problem is that I also can't do what she wants.

So What is the solution? I don't know. I love her. I want her to be happy. Let's see if this will of mine finds a way :)

Irrational self

Just a thought - why is it so difficult to let your rational self overpower ur irrational self sometimes? Especially when the path is towards accepting the harsh reality of a guy's action and moving on, the path appears more thorny! Jealousy and envy are undesirable qualities, but they are part of the whole package of a person - just hiding away in an unstimulated corner because the sensible attributes are not uninhibited.

I guess acknowledging it is a step closer to empowering your rational self!

Oh my God, this post is bringing out the girl in me :P So rare, but I guess it's there! haha

Dissociation

Here, I describe briefly another concept that I have recently found fascinating. Why is it that some people act on their impulses without insight and judgment? Is the mind really so powerful that it can override our own lucid self? Of course it is. We can act on fanatical burning impulses even if there is an internal conflict rendering us to struggle with justifying our actions. This can be thought of as a state of dissociation from our own ‘self’. There is a part of us that doesn’t want to act this way, but another part which is fueling the impulsion overpowers and makes it happen. This need not be something as dramatic as suicidal or homicidal encounters. Little things like a diabetic indulging in chocolate to a point where his or her sugar levels surge beyond the controllable range or a man walking on the road hitting a kid just for the fun of it. Whatever the impulsive action, it can possibly happen. In most people, rational thinking prevails and they can stop such disruptive behaviour because these two conflicting minds that we have, integrate over the years in a positive social context to give you the ability to reason and justify your actions. When this ability is lost or has not developed over the years as a result of socially inappropriate encounters, vulnerability to these two disintegrated battling minds (dissociative in nature) increases. Because you are in a dissociated state when you act in a certain way, you may not remember it or even approve of that action immediately after. This is just one of the ways that impulsive and brash behaviour can be studied. In fact, this can be linked to any behaviour that you may contend with. Interesting really!!!

Mind - you strong and powerful weapon!

A state of mental well-being is sought after as an ultimate goal of life by almost anyone from an ordinary working man to an educated Vedantist concerned with the nature of reality and self-realisation. What is it about the mind that influences our actions, thoughts, feelings and behaviour? Why isn’t everyone born with an inherent ability to control their reactions and responses to certain stimuli, whether external or internal? Why is it such a relentless struggle to have peace of mind? I believe that only our ‘peaceful mind’ can assist someone else who is seeking help. If we are agitated and internally conflicted, it hardly makes sense to try and calm others down. The strength of an individual’s mind is a product of their upbringing and continues to be shaped by experiences throughout their life-span, more so in childhood than adulthood.

It’s a recurrent theme that a traumatic childhood leaves residual gaps in one’s personality, which don’t get filled as the children grow up. An ordinary 6 year old has no propensity for dishing out right from wrong or wanted from unwanted. There is no way for this kid to only take into account that which benefits his or her affirmative character development. They believe what they are told and don’t question. For example, a child who has been told that they should’ve never been born and should’ve been aborted, may keep thinking of his or her place in the world as unwanted and lose that sense of belonging. This sense of belonging is crucial for our mere existence in a social setting. That 6-year-old has no idea whether he or she was told that as a consequential outburst of mother’s frustration and has no innate ability or power to question it and say “wait a minute, why do you say that? I am as normal as the kid down the street and deserve to live as much as he does. What is the reason behind your statement?”

When similar experiences have tainted a naive and unknowing child and made him or her shy or self-contemptuous or anything else unsolicited, I have a possible solution. Continuing on with this particular example... Someone who has lost their sense of belonging in this world won’t bother living for the sake of anyone and cannot appreciate their strengths to aid them to thrive in as deserving a life as any other. This is when it is safe to separate that little girl or boy in you who keeps instilling derogatory remarks such as you are not worth it and you are better off dead. You have to disconnect yourself from that little girl or boy in you who has suffered a shattering childhood and escape into a safer world where you wish to belong. When the damage is made, it is hard to amend sometimes. Recognizing and validating your situation is a constructive first step. Slowly changing that scarred thinking is the path to triumph over some deadlock situations that some people find themselves in. So, mothers or potential mothers out there, be careful about what you subject your kids to, because their childhood plays an incredible role in making them resilient to stress and having a good sense of self.

Anyway, the question still remains – what is it about the mind that influences our actions, thoughts, feelings and behaviour? This cannot be answered linearly, but introspection or extro-spection (i.e. talking out loud on a paper or to an honest trustworthy friend) compounded by open-mindedness can lead you, at least in part, to a peaceful mind which will prime you for a challenging future. Good luck with the ongoing tussle of your mind everyone!

Colourful

Just a fleeting thought that I decided to post. There is a word in my thoughts at the moment - colourful. Imagine that word and write the first two things that pop up. Do this activity yourself and then compare with mine. If you can be bothered that is :)or else just read ahead.

Imagination imitates what's on your mind and so the first thing I had to do was purge myself - let every other thought go; sequester the other thoughts amongst myriad neurons in a corner of the firing lightning that we call the brain.

I will key in at least a part of the transient picture in my mind when it's dwelling on the word 'colourful'.
1) Rainbow, peacocks, parrots, rainbow lorikeets, flowers, scenic reserves, sunset surrounded by the forest, lake and huts - why is it that nature always takes the top spot when we are thinking of beautiful, colourful, serene? I'd like to think of nature as a unlimited broadcasting station: if we tune in, the peace and purity of its existence always flows through.
2) Indian festivals and weddings - A traditional Indian wedding doesn't just involve two people marrying, it's the marrying of two families in an eternal bond. More than a week of festivities along with mehendi,frantic singing, dancing, gauri poojas and various other bodily, musical and procedural ornamentations as part of the process. If you wish to witness the explosion of a plethora of colours, walk hand in hand with the joy and love...you have to be closely involved in the celebrations!

Mind can't stay focused on one thing for long and I am sure we'd all vouch for that. So, let the thoughts, imagination and creativity race ahead and enjoy the beautiful and colourful days ahead :)

Consequences exist - thanks to our actions!

Million things happen in one day. You meet new people, you run into your school mates, you do things you've planned and some things happen without your control. I believe that your current actions always bear consequences in the future. Even if the consequence doesn't affect you deeply and you don't notice it, it still exists.

One day a girl in our class was noting down all our mail addresses. Yesterday I got a postcard from her with a very thoughtful message. I love receiving mail - email and post alike, especially if it's personally addressed(Of course i'm not referring to bank statements, bills, etc). It was a pleasant surprise :)

That deed resulted in a positive outcome. The flipside also holds true. I now realised that I previously acted without foreseeing the possible consequences, especially concerning the things I tell others about myself or others. To my mind, all there is to know is that I don't mean harm to anyone and so anything I say or do shouldn't have negative repercussions. And if something I say hurts others, I expect them to be frank and point fingers at me. This is not and cannot always be the case. There lies a certain responsibility in my hands to think before I say things and if it's unnecessary, keep it to myself.

I have learnt it the hard way, but I have. There isn't reason for anyone to know about others who have confided in you, even if the person you are sharing it with is trustworthy. I've always been the person who most people tend to open up to, but at times while seeking advice or even for no obvious reason, I might have shared things with others. Some conflicts have been the product of this and I am happy to say that I have recognised the mistake and am making a conscious effort to change it for the better!

Upshot of this post is - when you do anything, always remember that whatever we say or however we act, everything bears consequences, whether it be pleasantly positive or nastily negative! Of course, sometimes it is a two-way street and the receiver should interpret your actions accordingly. All said and done, mindfulness of our own behaviour is the way to go!